WHO AM I?

Everyday a question sits

Awaiting an answer from somewhere

A quest that began years ago

Do I have the answer yet?

Running races on different lanes

Living lives on colored planes

I look up at the heavens above

And yet again the question comes – Who am I?

 Deep inside a hidden need,

Secrets & lives; that are full of deeds!

Lessons to be learnt, stars to be earned,

The answer still evades – Who am I?

  

Having lives the many lives

Crossed oceans in many high tides

The numerous peaks I may have climbed

Deafening sound of the question fills my mind – who am I?

  

As time goes by more questions rise - What am I looking for?

What am I here for?

Will there be a moment so divine,

Where I find my answer to – ‘Who am I?’

As my heart cries in pain...

The news took me behind by at least 15 years! 1995; a year i will never forget ! A year that made me grow into a more responsible woman !

I lost my dad; my friend, my guide, my role model, forever!

May 27th 1995, was the end of all the pain that he was going through. The pain that one can't spell out, a pain that is caused by one of the most feared diseases - yes, Cancer! A fast failing health since Jan 1995, but the fighter spirit kept him going for a few months more.

My dad was always active & fit. He had played football in his younger days, represented the Indian Railways and had played against one of the big clubs in West Bengal. His was a Centre Forward position in the field! He also played Tennis with equal skill!

He was someone who was disciplined & believed in "Simple living & high thinking". We heard this so many times when we were young and the world around us was changing fast! He was a man of commitment both in professional sphere & of course in his personal life. He was caring & respectful and life had not been very easy with him. He lost his dad; my grand dad, in the early years and had to put in a lot of effort to move up in his career and balance family responsibilities.

I saw my dad slowly get into confinement; first he stopped driving on his own, then, would just walk to the nearby shops to get small stuff for home, the movement got limited to within our flat in Kolkata and finally to his room & bed! He looked so helpless at times that I really wished there was some way I could help!

He had stopped reading, saying he didn't "feel like". Little did he know that I understood his weakening vision.

On very high dosage of medication to reduce the pain, he would still smile & say " ka karen duty par jana hai"

My dad , a proud man, a man who was always independent in thought, word & action, cried quietly in immense pain ! A pain so deep that one could never imagine its impact just by looking at this smiling, 5ft 11inch tall frame!

We chatted over evening cups of tea, he still " made decisions for the house", that's how he put it, still advised me on my career & studies, shared his experiences of the pre -independence days -1946 ;while he was in college R K mission in Belur and so many more events !

All the symptoms told me that he was reaching a point of no return & so fast that one could never imagine! It was only in the month of April , the last week, when the doctor treating him looked sad & worried.

I heard muffled crying deep at night, the pain must have been unbearable. In the morning he would again smile a "good morning" ,as we had tea together. God, I really wished there was a better way!

Today, my first cousin brother - Collin, as we fondly call him, is going through tremendous pain as he has been diagnosed for Cancer ! He too is a fighter and is a courageous & positive fellow. I have very fond memories of our childhood, during our visit to Delhi in 1973 and then when he spent summer vacation with us in Jamshedpur.

My writing today is a prayer for Collin, a quick recovery ,for his health, for strength & courage that he needs & we all need as a family.

Parrots in Distress!

( Picture taken from my Balcony on 23rd Aug morning)

Is it team work or a simple 'save the fraternity?'
Monday morning on the 23rd of August,as I sat sipping my hot cup of tea and reading the newspaper, the sudden increase in the decibels of chirping of birds caught my attention. Since it was a holiday for Onam, there was no hurry.
Stepping out, I saw at least 6 long tailed , green bodied, red beaked flying creatures!
Yes, there were so many Parrots – an unusual sight !
Even if I didn’t know the Parrot language, I could make out that there were reasons enough for the Panic!
They were flying all over the place, trying to peep into a narrow crack between the two apartment buildings across my verandah. What was wrong ? My curious self took over !
I saw the bigger of the birds, balancing on the parapet and peek into the crack! The others were squealing in panic as if crying out for help! There was a little parrot stuck in there!
Oh God , This was an area unaccessible to us without a scafolding and that at this time, was impossible!
They never gave up! Flew from one end to the other as if assuring each other and the little one “ Don’t worry , we are all there ! Everything will be fine!”
The Mynahs, who are the original residents of the place, and deftly move in & out of that little space, were also there, watching helplessly!
I stood, with my camera, clicking away & praying for their success!
I could feel their panic – these lovely creatures, some perched on the telephone wire, a lone fella , on the balcony of a flat, as if wondering ‘what will happen?’ They were trying out all tricks- placing & pushing with their red beaks into the cement, hanging from a higher place and so many other moves!
Strangely, the two big dogs in the apartment above kept them company! These are the most noisy fellows otherwise! Barking at the slightest disturbance! I guess they understood that these beautiful ones were facing a crisis! They held on to the balcony looking down silently – as if to say “ wish we could help!”
This was for almost an hour! They were able to get the little one out of the crack!
I found the zeal amazing,the honest attempts, the team work, their “never say die” attitude!
I reinforced my learning on life once again! Give a quiet support and never give up!
Life as they say is the biggest teacher!

Hope for a New Day!

( Image taken while flying to Mumbai)

Dawn of a new day, bright is the light from the Sun!
As I look out of the small window, a sea of clouds remind me of stories I read as a child – Jack and the Beanstalk! The big bad giant who had a hen that laid golden eggs, the Harp that spoke and all the golden coins the giant would steal from the villagers!
The land seems so far that one really cant see anything at all.
The clouds , so pure, so white and the rays of the Sun on them gives them a heavenly look! They seem to travel together in groups, from one land to another, from one country to another like messengers of Love, peace and happiness. As if they speak “ I come from a land where there is no hatred, there is only love, there is only brotherhood”
The Blue sky holds them on its vast chest, yet the freedom to float and travel in a direction they all wish to go! No rules yet so disciplined!
When I am on the ground and look up at the endless blue sky,I have always wondered what would be above the clouds ?
And here I am, above them all to be able to see the boundary less sky – no borders, no divisions at all!
I felt like a bird , rising , scaling heights as if exploring the limits and what I could break !
A journey like a free bird in the bright blue sky – Unnmukht Gagan!

Sweet Memories of a sunday afternoon

A lazy, quiet Sunday afternoon, a sumptuous lunch under a softly whirling fan! On the table; conversations on price rise, recipes, the taste buds tingling as the covers lift and we salivate! Our favourite – Chicken curry ! The wonderful Sunday afternoon Lunch!
We sat, a family relishing the fruits of hard work through the week in our own ways, was reminded of the Hindi saying “Mehenat ka phal Meetha hota hai!”
( sweet are the fruits of labour!) Don’t know if it is the right translation, Anyway!
Its almost an hour, till we all finished and the plates Clean! My Thakuma (Grandmother) and I had a love hate relationship but this is one occasion we were both very supportive. She ate slowly and spoke less! You knew then, the lunch was good! She didn’t know management principles of Praising when things were right! No comments meant great job done!
Cling! clang ! The sound of dishes being put aside, and a grumbling me, who had to clean the table while Ma put the extras aside – oh! who ever invented the Refrigerator! The wonder machine! What a blessing ! The chicken tastes better when eaten later! The thought brought in a smile on my otherwise grumpy face!
The radio played the favourites on “Musical Bandbox”. All those numbers that are today referred to as “Retro music” – a Cliff Richards, a Simon Garfunkel and an Abba! The RJ’s never spoke so much as they do now!
Dad would light his carefully made cigarette… the pouch with fresh tobacco – I loved the smell! A small secret - that I had once tried the art of making the same …. And was caught just before I could strike a light! What an experience! I could tell from one brand to the other – sometimes it was Van Gogh, sometimes a Prince Henry or a Wills ! The logic behind making it so painstakingly was to lessen the number of cigarettes a day! Did it work? Well….
Between the fresh smell of the tobacco, quick plans for the evening were made, hoping that no unexpected, friendly relative with bags full of gossip drop in…. Then, all our plans would be a drop out!
So many such small things come to my mind as a Sunday afternoon goes by now. Like a movie, images of our childhood, voice of Dad, of my dear Thakuma, the aroma of freshly cooked food, the whistle of the cooker and so on.. I live each moment again and a smile crosses my lips and heavy eyelids close down on a silent, much awaited siesta!

Dilli ki Sardi! ( Winter in Delhi)

( January 2010 at Gurgaon, 8:30 am)

I was so frozen stiff that I could get line to rhyme… and hence this form of writing!
Was I dreaming or was it really the sound of my mobile reminding me that it was time to be up and about!
Lazily I got up and as if in a sleepwalk; moved towards the window in my room.
My hand reached out to touch it … and as if a 220 volt had struck me… the cold hit me and woke up all my senses! Brrrrrrr….. So cold! And I could see nothing at all…
I was reminded of Tom of the Tom & Jerry fame… when ice cold water would be poured on him and that to when he was caught unaware; as most of the time he is !
Well, I was in Gurgaon- NCR! Temperatures dropped and the fog! Am sure even Punjabi/ Haryanvi humour would not be enough to warm things!
The warm room caused precipitation on the cold window!

The tree across the road stood stiff, frozen gray! The whole surrounding reminded me of a set up from a
horror movie where the sky would suddenly burst….
Oh Let me think – as If there was a whole glass of water split over a canvas of water color painting! Blurred lights, the gray, blue, green forming a tone I can’t describe!
Turned around and looked at the time – I can’t believe it – It was 8:30 am!

Growing Up

Did I hear a laughter or was it a cry?
Was it sorrow or happiness that went by?
We hear so many things as we walk the path of life
Some we understand and some we connive!
What is right & what is wrong
Question after question in our minds throng.
Can we forget and forgive the past?
Is it easy or through lives does it last?

Balancing the debits & credits; we do so oft
We forget the nice, the beautiful, the kind and the soft!
Memories like clouds drift around
I relive each one till reality brings me crashing to the ground!

All those games we played as a child,
Today they seem like a dream, facing life; with nowhere to hide!
The grey haired granny, with a voice so shrill,
Her big long hands, as if they had license to kill!
The little boy, worked hard at the corner shop,
Was sent to the city – Why ? Ah they had a bad crop!
The school bus honked, as we late comers ran,
A loud voice from behind the wheel – the driver, a burly looking man!

Then, years of growing, and the feeling shy,
Pride, anger when there were no answers to the “WHY?”
The first steps out alone into the “big bad world”,
“Don’t do this & don’t do that” – pieces always being told.

One day at a time, my world did grow,
My first meeting with him and the want for more!
Did I like seeing him, did I wait all day?
I remember each line, and all what he had to say!
When we walked the busy streets
Did I hear the honk, or was it my own heart beat?

Time passed on, paths then separated, and we went our ways,
But the feeling ! – Well , lives in my heart to this very day!

Today, I listen hard to the sound of life – the low and the high,
And say to myself, “I don’t want to miss anything as life goes by!”
Each moment, each sound, each smell, each voice,
Tells me now – “in life, we all have a choice”

Eternal Colors of Life

(Pictures taken at Kanya Kumari - Before and After sunrise)
Each morning as a new day dawns
I look out for the eternal painter
Who has spilt the color across the skies,
Simple strokes , making our lives worthwhile
His laughter of beauty breaks out in the seas,
Each moment triumphs in the green grass and trees.
He loves his work, I am so sure
For not a season goes by without colors so pure!
Have you ever heard the chant of the seas?
The voice of the rivers, felt the dance in the breeze?
Look out for you will find, vibrant colors, the beauty in the sand
An evening sky, a rainbow with the VIBGYOR band!
Who could he be? Many a times I have thought
Where do I find him? Many a lesson he has taught!
A prayer, a thanks , these words are small
Give me the knowledge to understand this all
Day breaks to give us light, live another day
Colors all around, yes , there is the black and the grey!
In the eternal music, I hear his voice,
I hear him say, “Its your canvas and hence it is your choice!”

A Fisherman's heart!

(Picture : KanyaKumari -Oct 08)
The call of the sea! O! Bountiful mother
Without you where would I be ?
Even before the sun does rise
Even before the first bird flies,
I reach out to you for my livelihood.
You are sometimes nice and sometimes rude!
Crashing into my little boat, you come,
This is all I have, help me to feed my little one!
She awaits my return with fear in her eyes!
“Come back safely” – softly , in her heart, she cries.
I have seen so many colours on you
Sparkling sunlight of the dawn and the evening blue!
In my little boat each dawn I go
Wave after wave , you have always helped me to flow.
My father, my uncles, all knew you so well
I was but a child, waiting on your shores, picking up shells!
Slowly as I grew, I joined them too
Eyes closed, praying hard but trying to be the brave new!
I could feel my father’s hand around me – holding me tight
“My dear one”, he said, “this is the fear you need to fight!”
So many years, so many tides
So many storms, sometimes no place to hide!
You are the one who has taught me how to live
From you I have learnt to earn happiness; when you give
O bountiful mother, let me be born again
To be ever giving and never to be vain!

To my first Teacher - Ma

I don’t remember when the lessons started,
Probably even when I did not know how to talk!
You taught me; dear Ma; to smile at the faces that looked at me with curiosity
Holding my little fingers as I reached out to feel the world around…

Then I took my first step forward
You were always there to help me take one step at a time!
To smile and hold me in your arms when I fell,
Taught me to stand up again and walk to the end of the path!

The first word, the first song, the first tear, the first love…
You were always there dear Ma…

As I grew and learnt the ways of the world
You walked beside me, showing me the difference between the right and wrong!
Taught me not to forget the plant, the flowers, the green grass and the trees,
As I walked life’s path, overjoyed by victories!

Held me close as I cried, hurt by the ways of the world
Taught me how to look ahead, to see the silver lining in the dark cloud!
Who else could have done this…but you dear Ma!
The unconditional love, the selfless sharing of the smallest piece!

You taught me the power of prayers, to thank the Divine
To be kind to all creatures, to listen and learn from all.
Taught me to live a life with gratitude;
Only you could have done this; Ma!

Today, when the years have gone by,
I walk through life and in the blue skies I fly,
And can do things on my own!
Sometimes I feel your opinions “old fashioned”
And I reason with you – “You don’t know the world outside”; I say
“It is not what it used to be during your times, you know”
You smile and nod silently as if to say
“I’m there for you ...just in case you need me, my dear!”

Our Friendship...

If I could speak your language,

If only I could share my thoughts

I could tell you how much I love you

For this is love that cannot be bought!

I remember each day; since we met

I remember; at the thought of separation, as a little boy, you wept!

I can hear you inspite of the din,

I love to rejoice with you when you win!

I remember how we ran across the green fields - wild!

On the beach that summer, we swam against the tide!

I love to see the smile in your eyes

I will stand by at your feet, as you reach for the skies!

Your family is mine and I shall protect them too,

For I can tell from the good, the bad and the ugly few!

Will you always love me ?

As I will be old one day,

Will not be able to bark as I do today

Will you then be by my side, dear one?

Will you walk with me, when I cannot run?

We are friends and so shall we be till I die;

Plant a tree on my grave but please do not cry!

The green leaves and the flowers will remind you of me

And our friendship... forever shall be!