As my heart cries in pain...

The news took me behind by at least 15 years! 1995; a year i will never forget ! A year that made me grow into a more responsible woman !

I lost my dad; my friend, my guide, my role model, forever!

May 27th 1995, was the end of all the pain that he was going through. The pain that one can't spell out, a pain that is caused by one of the most feared diseases - yes, Cancer! A fast failing health since Jan 1995, but the fighter spirit kept him going for a few months more.

My dad was always active & fit. He had played football in his younger days, represented the Indian Railways and had played against one of the big clubs in West Bengal. His was a Centre Forward position in the field! He also played Tennis with equal skill!

He was someone who was disciplined & believed in "Simple living & high thinking". We heard this so many times when we were young and the world around us was changing fast! He was a man of commitment both in professional sphere & of course in his personal life. He was caring & respectful and life had not been very easy with him. He lost his dad; my grand dad, in the early years and had to put in a lot of effort to move up in his career and balance family responsibilities.

I saw my dad slowly get into confinement; first he stopped driving on his own, then, would just walk to the nearby shops to get small stuff for home, the movement got limited to within our flat in Kolkata and finally to his room & bed! He looked so helpless at times that I really wished there was some way I could help!

He had stopped reading, saying he didn't "feel like". Little did he know that I understood his weakening vision.

On very high dosage of medication to reduce the pain, he would still smile & say " ka karen duty par jana hai"

My dad , a proud man, a man who was always independent in thought, word & action, cried quietly in immense pain ! A pain so deep that one could never imagine its impact just by looking at this smiling, 5ft 11inch tall frame!

We chatted over evening cups of tea, he still " made decisions for the house", that's how he put it, still advised me on my career & studies, shared his experiences of the pre -independence days -1946 ;while he was in college R K mission in Belur and so many more events !

All the symptoms told me that he was reaching a point of no return & so fast that one could never imagine! It was only in the month of April , the last week, when the doctor treating him looked sad & worried.

I heard muffled crying deep at night, the pain must have been unbearable. In the morning he would again smile a "good morning" ,as we had tea together. God, I really wished there was a better way!

Today, my first cousin brother - Collin, as we fondly call him, is going through tremendous pain as he has been diagnosed for Cancer ! He too is a fighter and is a courageous & positive fellow. I have very fond memories of our childhood, during our visit to Delhi in 1973 and then when he spent summer vacation with us in Jamshedpur.

My writing today is a prayer for Collin, a quick recovery ,for his health, for strength & courage that he needs & we all need as a family.